Finality.

So on my trip last week, I got the chance to drive the extra hour to Grand Junction to see Jake.  Basically, Jake and I dated for quite some time, about July of 2010 up until May of 2011.  Then, we broke up.  This post isn't meant to be sentimental or nostalgic, rather it's meant to help me talk through how I felt about this whole ordeal.  I definantly loved Jake more than I have ever loved any other man in my life.  And when we broke up, I missed him so much, I don't think I could describe the feelings I had in words.  Anyways, when I last saw him May of 2011, I left thinking that I was going to see him again in about a month or so.  And then that was it.  I never got a proper goodbye or anything, I just had to deal with the fact that I was never going to see this man, who was such a major part of my life, ever again.  And it hurt, for sure.  

I saw him just yesterday.  And i'm not going to lie, the whole thing feels sort of surreal and sort of like it didn't happen now.  But it brought the finality I had been looking for.  We didn't kiss or talk about what once was, rather, we went mountain biking and I asked about his life right now and we just talked like friends.  And at the end I gave him a hug and said goodbye, and that was it.  It wasn't grand, but it was exactly what I needed.  I left Grand Junction knowing that this would be the last time I would ever see him.  And even though it was sad, at least it wasn't unexpected.  

Our relationship was wonderful, and then things came up and we realized it wasn't meant to be.  It took so long for me to accept the reasons why we shouldn't be together.  I was so stuck in trying to make things work, when really I should have just let him go so that he could be happy.  It's taken me all this time to finally come to peace with the whole thing, but I have definantly learned some valuable lessons that I plan to use in the future.  For starters, if someone wants to be with you, they will find a way to be with you.  And if they don't want to be with you, then there is no use in fighting it.  God has a plan, and if you try to go against what he wants things just tend to get really messy.  Also, follow the standards of the church in your dating.  They seem silly, but if you truly love someone, or if they love you, simply holding hands will be enough.  And by not engaging in things that will draw the spirit away from you, you will find that you are loving that person for who they are, rather than lusting.  There is a difference that I think a lot of people confuse between love and lust.  Three, if someone doesn't love you, don't try to force it.  If you are constantly stressing out because someone isn't feeling the same way about you as you are about them, you have to just let it be.  They will come around, and if they don't it wasn't meant to be anyways.  And lastly, the most important thing to look for in a relationship is finding someone who makes you want to be a better person.  Above all things (looks, hobbies, height, ect), the most important thing to look for is spirituality.  Be with someone who makes you want to become closer with Christ.  Someone who you can talk about the gospel with and attend devotionals and give insights to things you've learned without feeling silly.  In the end, love will find it's way in, if you have God in the picture.  

So I guess this is me moving on.  From what was, and what might have been, to the future.  I know that God has a plan.  Everything in my life happens for a reason.  And though it may take two years for me to learn the lessons from things that God wants me to learn, everything he has put in my path he has put there for a specific reason.  He knows exactly the lessons that I need to learn, and he knows how to make me happy.    

(One of the first pictures we ever took together)

(And last picture we will probably ever take together)

God be with you til we meet again.