Finality.

So on my trip last week, I got the chance to drive the extra hour to Grand Junction to see Jake.  Basically, Jake and I dated for quite some time, about July of 2010 up until May of 2011.  Then, we broke up.  This post isn't meant to be sentimental or nostalgic, rather it's meant to help me talk through how I felt about this whole ordeal.  I definantly loved Jake more than I have ever loved any other man in my life.  And when we broke up, I missed him so much, I don't think I could describe the feelings I had in words.  Anyways, when I last saw him May of 2011, I left thinking that I was going to see him again in about a month or so.  And then that was it.  I never got a proper goodbye or anything, I just had to deal with the fact that I was never going to see this man, who was such a major part of my life, ever again.  And it hurt, for sure.  

I saw him just yesterday.  And i'm not going to lie, the whole thing feels sort of surreal and sort of like it didn't happen now.  But it brought the finality I had been looking for.  We didn't kiss or talk about what once was, rather, we went mountain biking and I asked about his life right now and we just talked like friends.  And at the end I gave him a hug and said goodbye, and that was it.  It wasn't grand, but it was exactly what I needed.  I left Grand Junction knowing that this would be the last time I would ever see him.  And even though it was sad, at least it wasn't unexpected.  

Our relationship was wonderful, and then things came up and we realized it wasn't meant to be.  It took so long for me to accept the reasons why we shouldn't be together.  I was so stuck in trying to make things work, when really I should have just let him go so that he could be happy.  It's taken me all this time to finally come to peace with the whole thing, but I have definantly learned some valuable lessons that I plan to use in the future.  For starters, if someone wants to be with you, they will find a way to be with you.  And if they don't want to be with you, then there is no use in fighting it.  God has a plan, and if you try to go against what he wants things just tend to get really messy.  Also, follow the standards of the church in your dating.  They seem silly, but if you truly love someone, or if they love you, simply holding hands will be enough.  And by not engaging in things that will draw the spirit away from you, you will find that you are loving that person for who they are, rather than lusting.  There is a difference that I think a lot of people confuse between love and lust.  Three, if someone doesn't love you, don't try to force it.  If you are constantly stressing out because someone isn't feeling the same way about you as you are about them, you have to just let it be.  They will come around, and if they don't it wasn't meant to be anyways.  And lastly, the most important thing to look for in a relationship is finding someone who makes you want to be a better person.  Above all things (looks, hobbies, height, ect), the most important thing to look for is spirituality.  Be with someone who makes you want to become closer with Christ.  Someone who you can talk about the gospel with and attend devotionals and give insights to things you've learned without feeling silly.  In the end, love will find it's way in, if you have God in the picture.  

So I guess this is me moving on.  From what was, and what might have been, to the future.  I know that God has a plan.  Everything in my life happens for a reason.  And though it may take two years for me to learn the lessons from things that God wants me to learn, everything he has put in my path he has put there for a specific reason.  He knows exactly the lessons that I need to learn, and he knows how to make me happy.    

(One of the first pictures we ever took together)

(And last picture we will probably ever take together)

God be with you til we meet again.

Moab.

So I got to go on a vacation last week to Moab! It was epic.  We started off the trip driving down to Utah, and we stayed at my Grandmothers house the first night, then headed down to Moab!  We stayed the night camping with our friend Amy the first night, and apparantly they were camping with a couple hundred other mormons so it was pretty cool.  We swam and climbed a little before camping that night, and then headed to the campsite.

(what I woke up to in the morning, and where we climbed, a place called Wall Street)

In the morning, we met up with some cool people we had met the morning before, and then headed out to Mountain Bike!  We ended up doing some fun trails (Bar M Trail, Rockin A, and Deadmans Ridge I think), and it was a total blast!  Mountain biking was by far the most fun thing we did on this trip.

(L to R: Jason, ??, Jesse, Me, Kevin)

(L to R: Jason, ??, Jesse, Me, Erin, David, and Kevin)

After that, we went swimming at this cool swimming hole in Moab.  There, we met some pretty cool guys from Ohio that were on a roadtrip cross country.  Jesse also met his highlining idol at the hole, and was able to do some Highlining with her as well.  After swimming, we went back to wall street and did a couple of climbs with our new friends.  Then we all went and camped out for the night.

(Jesse highlining at the swimming hole)

(Our new friends from Ohio! L to R: me, Jesse, Alex, JT, and two others I can't remember their names :/)

That morning, we packed up, said goodbye, and drove over to Wall Street to get some more climbing in.  After that, we went over to Arch's National Park and drove around for a bit.  Then, we headed to Grand Junction, Colorodo, to do some mountain biking!

(Arch's National Park)

(Biking in Grand Junction)

(Jake and I)

Overall, it was an awesome trip!! :)  

Wishes.

I wish...I wish a lot of things. What's the point in listing them.

Vices.

Vice is defined as an immoral or evil habit or practice.  Growing up, I feel like I had a lot of unhealthy vices.  Instead of facing my fears and past, I decided to bury it in the numbing effects of certain things.  Now that I am "older" though, I am trying very hard to change these vices.  And now, I have decided, that all things outdoors will be my vice (climbing, biking, ect).  Lately, whenever I have had an urge to do something that I shouldn't, I have forced myself to go climb, or go on a run, or a bike ride, or even lay out back while reading.  These seem silly, but they have helped to calm me and make me a healthier person.  Am I more tired after going for a run or a bike ride? Yes. But I am also less stressed.  I'm happier.  I'm doing better.  So I can deal with my body being sore or a little less rest if it means that I overcome my weaknesses.  You guys should all try it.  What have you got to lose?

(A picture from today)

Quote.

Challenge.

I have a challenge for everyone (including myself ). Read every morning.  Write what inspired you on a piece of paper.  Carry that paper in your pocket and look at it periodically throughout the day.  

P.S. I got to talk to this guy tonight!  I feel like everyone is off having adventures but me...

Where The Road Meets The Sun.

I love all of the lyrics in this song.

(Where the Road Meets the Sun by Matthew Perryman and Katie Herzig)

Angel wings spread over water worn wishes

Guarding the dreams and the things left unsaid

Here we are wandering, aimlessly roaming

Lovers who linger and never forget

And when it's done we will walk where the road meets the sun

Waiting for you by the Santa Maria

How long does thou stay with these letters from you

I don't know whether we'll end up together

But I always know that our love is true

And when it's done we will walk where the road meets the sun

Don't disappear

Darlin', I want you

Don't leave me here

And when the day comes

I'll meet you here

'Cause I know that wishes come true

Finding my way back to you

Reality.

We all want a happy ending.  We want to fall in love, and have that troubled something get in our way, only to overcome it and end up living a glamorous (or not so glamorous) life with this shining knight in armor.  Dreams, and hope, are what keeps us running.  At least it's what keeps me running.  I dream of many things which are right now just beyond my grasp.  Things that in my mind, if I got, would make me happy; at peace.  I think that it's reality that runs us down.  As children, we are oblivious to what lies ahead.  To how things really are.  And when we grow older (and supposedly wiser) we see things for the way they really are.  Yes, some people have good intentions, but most do not.  Everyone has a dark side, some just hide it better than others.  And worst of all, when you grow up, you find out about all the lies and deceit that have gone on for years around you, that you just didn't know about.  We all are prey to the natural man.  It takes us, wraps us up tight, and keeps us captive.  Until one day we don't want to feel suffocated anymore.  How then do we escape?  How can we take this disgusting reality and make it into something worth living?  

I feel like there's a way to do this, I just don't know what it is yet.  The generic answer would obviously be "immerse yourself in the gospel".  Which yes, will help.  But I think that a lot of people don't realize that you have to really immerse yourself.  And by that I mean you not only have to read and pray and all that jazz, but you have to make it a part of you.  A change of heart is necessary to overcoming this harsh reality we live in.  If we can experience this...well, I feel as though we won't care anymore.  Bad things will happen, but if we are so immersed in the good things of life, that would sort of cancel out all the bad things (one would hope).  

Selfishness is the problem with this world.  People who do drugs, and ruin families because of their addictions, are originally selfish.  Addictions are real.  And they're definantly powerful.  But if you have this wonderful life (even with the harsh realities), why would you choose choosing a drug over raising your children?  How could you do that?  These children have yet to find out about the harsh realities of the world...but because of your actions, they're thrown into it.  And when they realize that...how are they supposed to know what to do with it?  How do they learn to love the ones who raised them, while still loving the one who abandoned them.  I guess the question is, how do they face reality in an unselfish manner, so that they do not make the same mistakes that caused them to be so bitter in the first place?

How can we learn to unconditionally love in a world full of hurt? 

Enjoy

Let go and let god.

I went rock climbing today with a friend of mine, and it was awesome.  We spent a good six hours out there, got 9 or 10 climbs in, and just had an overall good day.  I got so so burnt though!  I think that climbing is a good thing for me though.  I get outside, and I focus on something healthy for a while.

Burnt :(

I watched a movie tonight as well.  It's called Silver Linings Playbook.  It was rather good, and it got me thinking.  I have no clue why what is happening is happening.  But I do know that I need to learn how to let go and let god.  I need to stop being so frustrated with everything and just relax and let everything happen.  Everything happens for a reason...I just wish I knew what :P

Plan B.

I'm so tired of being everyone's plan B.

Cartmen.

So I went out to Southpark on Wednesday.  I tried this new climb Cartmen (5.11a) that I had never been on before.  I one hung it the first try, and then sent it on the second.  I was pretty excited!  I know that it's not the hardest climb, but at least i'm progressing.

Sin.

"We are not horrible people.  We are just human."  

Someone told me this tonight, and I think it really is true.  Christ died for us because we are human.  We are going to mess up at one point or another, but that's the beauty of the atonement.  Obviously we shouldn't go looking for sin, but if we slip up, we can be forgiven.  The great thing about being forgiven is that you are truly forgiven.  Christ will forgive you, but you need to forgive yourself as well.  If you can't do that, then you are not truly letting the atonement take it's affect on you.  No matter where we are on the path, whether we are converts or we are a prophet, Christ just wants to see us moving forward.  As long as we are moving forward, he will be happy with us.  And we will be happy too.

.

And just like that, he was gone.

Roomates.

I've had tons of different roomates throughout the years.  But with the housing here, i've never had to worry about what pots and pans and stuff I've used.  It's always been communal; I let them use my pots, vice versa, everyone is happy.  Well folks, that has come to an end.  I got yelled at today for using someones pan.  It didn't even occur to me that this was an issue. Geeze. I've decided I don't like roomates like this.

And for the record, said roomate just started a fire on the burner and wasn't even in the kitchen to put it out, I had to...

Side note, here's another good song. Enjoy!

Gymnastics.

Gymnastics has always sort of been a part of my life.  And i'm starting to think it always will be.  I love the competitive aspect of it.  It teaches young kids how to actually work for something that they hope to achieve, which I think is a really good trait to have.  I love coaching.  But I think the biggest reason I love coaching is because of the girls and their personalities.  I think I probably learn just as much from them as they do from me, and it's great.  Their successes and downfalls directly affect how i'm feeling (hopefully that isn't the other way around as well, lol).  Anyways, the gym feels like my second home.  I love all the little girlies I teach, and have so much fun watching them progress and learn throughout the years.

Now:

One year ago:

Bittersweet.

I prayed to know how what they were feeling.  And now I know.

 Be careful what you wish for

Venting.

Yesterday, James and I went rock climbing.  It was cold, so we got a climb in but then we just skipped rocks and hung out for the next couple hours.

I went to work, and got off early, so we got back together and got some yummy sushi and then went to my preschool room and painted pictures of where we thought the other person would want to live.  We then spent the next couple hours painting, laughing, talking, and just having a great time.
                           

(The one on the left was what James made for me, and the one on the right was what I made for James)

(The one we both made)

Our paintings that we made for each other were different, but they had the same ideas.  Somewhere, on a mountain, with water, and that silly blue truck of his.  I have totally fallen for him, and have never felt better about anything in my whole life.  I get such a positive feeling and i'm so happy when i'm with him.  But he feels the opposite.  And so he's leaving to work and go to Jerusalem for the next 8 months.  And I guess the point of this post is not to gush, or complain, but rather to speculate on some things.  I know that God has a plan, but it seems like every time I start to be happy, or have something good going, he has to turn it all upside down.  Why is this?  I believe that his plan is better than mine, but I also get frustrated at the constant up and down of everything.  He has this bad feeling, and I believe that.  But I wish I knew why that was, or what I could fix so that the feeling could go away for him.  Either that, or I just wish I understood what the purpose of all this was.  Why go through the trouble, and exert effort and feelings on someone or something that God will end up saying isn't right anyways?

I think I feel this way about a lot of things.  Things start to look up, and then something else gets thrown in the way.  At work, at school, anything.  Just when you think things are perfect, you find out they are not.  Do we ever get a break?  I guess I just need to work on my faith in him, because I do feel a little bitter about this whole process.  I know I shouldn't, but I do.

Anyways, sorry about the venting post, but just something to think about.  Until next time, here's a good song for you all.